clara backround

Friday, October 21, 2011

what i hope, what i know...

well, this has been a disappointing day at the kyllonen home...disappointing is a very mild word. i am writing this this tear stained cheeks and a headache from all the ugly crying i've packed into this morning. we woke up to an email from the U.S. embassy in ethiopia, but it was not the email we had been hoping for. this email said that without an interview with ruby's birth mother it would be very difficult for them to "verify the facts of the case and mark it as clearly approvable". The problem is, that they will not approve the case unless it is clearly 'approvable' and our agency has searched to dead-ends without finding ruby's birth mother, and WE cannot make her materialize out of thin air. for the first time today my mind has gone to that really dark place, the place where we do not get to bring our daughter home. there is, however, some logistical hope to this, a team from the state department (CIS) is heading to addis in a few weeks to investigate what exactly is going on at the embassy, and there is a possibility that they will help to process cases with less rigidity than the embassy will, we have a sentator going to bat for us, not to mention several advocates and legal aid who are petitioning on our behalf, and i believe somebody is trying to contact the former head of homeland security on our behalf to see if anything can be done. though i am exhausted of this up and down, i am confident that these people, many of whom do not even know us personally, will be used in amazing ways. this is what i hope.

this is what i know: "a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." Ps. 68. MY heavenly father, RUBY'S heavenly father has said it in scripture, that HE is the one who sets the lonely in families. so, i say with complete confidence, that ruby not coming home is NOT an option...i do not say this to our creator, but i say it to our enemy, the one who "comes only to steal and kill and destroy" John 10. I do not know what all of this is going to look like in the end...we may be in for a long haul, or we may be recipients of crazy grace, and have ruby with us in only a few weeks. but i do know the one whom we serve and i know that HE is good. i know that HE is sad for the frustration and sadness that our family is experiencing today. i was talking to alanna on the phone earlier and we were talking about the story of lazarus in John 11. there we find the shortest verse in the bible..."Jesus wept". He knew that very shortly HE, HIMSELF, would raise lazarus from the dead, and yet, he was grieved and "deeply moved in [his] spirit" when he saw the grief of his friends. when he first heard that lazarus was dying his response was "this sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory that God's Son may be glorified through it. Jesus loved martha and her sister and lazarus. yet when he heard that lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days." this kind of wows me. it initially seems so cruel that Jesus would know of his dear friend's impending death, yet chose to not act and spare them their grief right away. we then see that not only were they grieved, but so was Jesus(!!!)... he was grieved for them, his loved ones. only HE knew that to wait would mean that their joy would be restored and God would be glorified in a way that he would not have been had lazarus not died. i have to remind myself of this, becase sometimes i forget that our God is a GOOD God. he is the giver of life, strength, health, all good things, and HE is to be glorified. if we must sit in a dark spot for now so that HIS light can shine brightly, then so be it.

i have been so incredibly touched today with the way that people have been praying our girl home and with the encouraging words that have been sent our way...not to mention the picture of the most enormous ruby i have ever seen posted all over facebook, in support and prayer for our daughter!

i have had the most amazing reminders sent to me today in the form of scripture. the first one that was sent my way was this: Joshua 1:9-11 "have i not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. 'and joshua commanded the officers of the people, "pass through the midst of the camp and command the people, 'prepare your provisions, for within three days you are to pass over this jordan to go in to take possession of the land that the LORD your God is giving you to possess." --no, ruby is not land that we have been promised, but she is the daughter we have been lead to by the One who loves us both. today is friday, the embassy is closed for the weekend, but in three days we are preparing to fight to bring our daughter home.

Deuteronomy 31:6 "be strong and courageous. do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

Habakkuk 3:17 "though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vies, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fileds produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls...the LORD God is my strength.

Nahum 1:7 "the LORD is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and HE knows those who trust in Him."

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. in the world you will have tribulation. but take heart; I have overcome the world."

Psalm 130:5 & 6 "i wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word i put my hope. my soul waits for the LORD more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.


  1. Oh, Christina...
    My heart just deflated reading this. I am simply so, so, sorry you are having to walk through this scary, dark, maddening valley.

    Here's to hope in the Father...

  2. I'm so proud of this post. You wrote about your disappointment, frustration, and heartache. And then you turned to TRUTH. This is the essential biblical process and you are learning this hard HARD lesson with grace and patience. (I know you see your weakness. But you cannot be strong without being weak.) You amaze me, Christina. We're praying for Ruby, praying for what we want like the children we are. Love you.

  3. Christina,
    You don't know me...I know Kelly Towers...we met when in Ethiopia for our court date late July. I know your heartache and I'm so impressed by how you lift it up to God and to His hands...but also are taking action yourself! Our case too, has been deemed, not clearly approvable and is now in Nairobi. You have a beautiful family! We too have a girl and two boys and our daughter, Madison, is awaiting us in Ethiopia. When (right?) we get through this goofiness with the Embassy. If you want to talk to someone in the same boat feel free to give me a call at (720) 939-2374 cell or (901) 853-5177 home. Blessings and prayers to you and your family!
    In His Name,
    Emily Rice
    Collierville, TN